Question:
What grand move should I make for Valentine’s Day?
—Lovestruck
Answer:
Oh Lovestruck!
Valentine’s Day is not a day of holding back. It is a day of excess. It is practically a requirement to make your one true love feel so adored that everyone else on the planet is jealous. Most importantly, it is a day of spending a lot of money on objects with no practical significance.
The first step is to buy every type of candy that exists for your beloved. It doesn’t matter if they are allergic to peanuts; buy them peanut butter cups anyway. If they don’t like sour candy? Buy them sour candy! If they’re on a diet? Buy them all the candy they cannot eat!
Now, you must scour the toy aisles for every pink and red stuffed animal you can find. When you’re alone and missing your love, there’s nothing like hugging a stuffed animal they got for you. Bonus points if you go to a carnival and win that plush at a game. Feel free to cheat at the games or bribe the park employees to let you win effortlessly every time.
The next step is to go to your love’s house and clean their room for them. Isn’t that nice? I’m not talking about just a sweep, I’m talking about a deep clean. Scrub, mop, sweep, and dust for at least a solid three hours. Clean everything three times. Get very sweaty. I have heard that sweat is considered attractive nowadays. Be sure to wear a maid's dress, regardless of your gender. Your local supermarket will be pleasantly surprised to sell out cleaning products as well as the traditional Valentine’s fare.
Finally, you need to learn a new skill within the span of twenty-four hours in order to impress your date. Some romantic options include: riding a horse, playing an instrument, playing an instrument while riding a horse, doing magic tricks, painting photorealistic portraits of your beloved, juggling, using a yo-yo, winning at poker without cheating, winning at poker without anyone knowing that you are cheating, ballroom dancing, ballet dancing, modern dancing, or beating 2048.
If your true love is not impressed by these grand moves, you should probably give up on them. You shouldn’t date someone who’s interested in a sincere, down-to-Earth partner who will just give them a heartfelt card for Valentine’s Day. You definitely shouldn’t date someone who just wants to hang out and spend some quality time with you. If you spend time together, how will you have time to steal all the candy you gave them?
Best,
Dr. Ask
(Disclaimer: This advice was given from a Belmont High School student and does not represent the advice given by Belmont High School. If you have any further questions, email ourbelmonthighpoint@gmail.com.)