By Nina Jasanoff :
A few helpful suggestions on how to get A's in every class:
French/Spanish:
Bear in mind that 90% of French and Spanish words are just English words spoken with a funny accent. In other terms, after becoming a great thespian, one merely needs to speak in what one believes to be a French- or Spanish-sounding voice.
Latin:
One must always remember one's roots. When it comes to Latin, finding those roots means adding an "ius" or "ium" to every word.
English:
For those who lack the writing skills of most third graders, it is important to recall the use, of, the, comma, in, speech. That is to say, one, can, simply, put, commas, anywhere, and, semicolons; wherever else; and; be write most of the thyme.
Math:
Math is hard, kids. Math is hard. But when one finds oneself stuck in a fire of fractions, in pit of pendulum problems, in a dungeon of decimals, or, God forbid, in a FOREST OF LOGS, one can simply take the number of the question one is on – say, 34a – and substitute the a for x. Then, divide by 5, multiply by 9, add 32, and voila! The answer!
Science:
The easiest way out of that dreaded assignment – be it on magnetism, valence electrons, or the Krebs cycle – is simply to tell one's teacher that the subject matter goes against one's prior knowledge (assuming that one can come up with some), and then to refuse to do it.
History:
Having a hard time with Hamiltonian federalism and Horatio Nelson? Well, the most important thing to remember is that dates are subjective. Make it up. Who knows if the teachers really fact-check students' writing? As for spelling, who cares? This is history class, not English. As far as this reporter is concerned, Haroteo Neelsyn was born on October 21, 1805 and died on February 30, 1447.